Everyone loves superheroes. But not everyone considers what it’s like to be a member of the supporting cast of a comic book series. However, if we’re honest most of us are the kind of people who qualify more as supporting cast than main characters. So this week, I offer to you my suggestions for things to keep in mind should you ever find yourself trapped as a minor character in a comic book:
1. Never date a superhero. It can never end well, and will most likely result in emotionally traumatizing events.
a. Yes, even if you have superpowers, too.
2. Never date a supervillian. For all their charisma, power and (inevitably) good looks, there’s far too much narcissism required to go into that field of work to be good for a relationship.
a. Reforming them through the Power of Love is right out.
3. Look into the sidekick business. Even in comic books without superpowers the sidekick gets a really sweet deal. They’re usually the ones with boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses, steady income and no need for a legion of personal psychiatrists. After all, someone must remind the hero of all they gave up to do the right thing, might as well be you.
4. Alternatively, look into being a reporter of some sort. You can get along with the protagonists as much or as little as you like without getting into trouble, as Freedom of the Press is always treasured by comic book heroes for some reason. Plus you get to see all the action with no personal danger!
5. If you discover/create some kind of material that is incredibly rare (or unique) in all of earth, make sure you permanently transform it into some kind of purely defensive weapon. Supervillains won’t want it then.
6. Alternatively, immediately throw it into the ocean. They can’t kidnap you for something you don’t have!
7. Resist the urge to name anything after ancient mythic figures. It only attracts trouble.
a. The same goes for putting “ium” at the end of a newly discovered substance’s name, particularly if it is nearly indestructible.
b. Place names like “Wonderland” or “Niflheim” are right out.
8. Look into homeownership instead of renting. Henchmen seem much more reluctant to break into freestanding buildings as opposed to apartments.
9. If you should have the opportunity to “borrow” the source of a hero’s power, or to joyride in the tricked out car/plane/power armor the hero uses, never take it. Something bad that you’re not trained to handle is bound to happen, and you’ll be left holding the bag.
a. The same applies even if you have permission.
10. If you should discover whatever business or corporation your local villain is using to fund his nefarious activities take the earliest available opportunity to invest. Those businesses usually do well for some reason.
11. Never eat or drink anything until you’ve seen the main character do so first. Dying just to warn them something is poisoned is a lame way to go.
12. Never ask questions about the supervillain’s nefarious plot. It only singles you out as smart enough to be dangerous.
By all means share any other tips you can think of in the comments below. Also, while a bit less generic than these, the Survival Tips for S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruits tumblr is both funny and extensive. Most advice in there can be extrapolated upon to fit many situations.
If you plan on being an evil minion instead of a helpful red shirt, consult the Evil Overlord List for things to keep in mind.