Everyone loves superheroes. But not everyone considers what it’s like to be a member of the supporting cast of a comic book series. However, if we’re honest most of us are the kind of people who qualify more as supporting cast than main characters. So this week, I offer to you my suggestions for things to keep in mind should you ever find yourself trapped as a minor character in a comic book:
1. Never date a superhero. It can never end well, and will most likely result in emotionally traumatizing events.
a. Yes, even if you have superpowers, too.
2. Never date a supervillian. For all their charisma, power and (inevitably) good looks, there’s far too much narcissism required to go into that field of work to be good for a relationship.
a. Reforming them through the Power of Love is right out.
3. Look into the sidekick business. Even in comic books without superpowers the sidekick gets a really sweet deal. They’re usually the ones with boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses, steady income and no need for a legion of personal psychiatrists. After all, someone must remind the hero of all they gave up to do the right thing, might as well be you.
4. Alternatively, look into being a reporter of some sort. You can get along with the protagonists as much or as little as you like without getting into trouble, as Freedom of the Press is always treasured by comic book heroes for some reason. Plus you get to see all the action with no personal danger!
5. If you discover/create some kind of material that is incredibly rare (or unique) in all of earth, make sure you permanently transform it into some kind of purely defensive weapon. Supervillains won’t want it then.
6. Alternatively, immediately throw it into the ocean. They can’t kidnap you for something you don’t have!
7. Resist the urge to name anything after ancient mythic figures. It only attracts trouble.
a. The same goes for putting “ium” at the end of a newly discovered substance’s name, particularly if it is nearly indestructible.
b. Place names like “Wonderland” or “Niflheim” are right out.
8. Look into homeownership instead of renting. Henchmen seem much more reluctant to break into freestanding buildings as opposed to apartments.
9. If you should have the opportunity to “borrow” the source of a hero’s power, or to joyride in the tricked out car/plane/power armor the hero uses, never take it. Something bad that you’re not trained to handle is bound to happen, and you’ll be left holding the bag.
a. The same applies even if you have permission.
10. If you should discover whatever business or corporation your local villain is using to fund his nefarious activities take the earliest available opportunity to invest. Those businesses usually do well for some reason.
11. Never eat or drink anything until you’ve seen the main character do so first. Dying just to warn them something is poisoned is a lame way to go.
12. Never ask questions about the supervillain’s nefarious plot. It only singles you out as smart enough to be dangerous.
By all means share any other tips you can think of in the comments below. Also, while a bit less generic than these, the Survival Tips for S.H.I.E.L.D. Recruits tumblr is both funny and extensive. Most advice in there can be extrapolated upon to fit many situations.
If you plan on being an evil minion instead of a helpful red shirt, consult the Evil Overlord List for things to keep in mind.
Nate Chen Publications 
I love #2—Never date a supervillian. For all their charisma, power and (inevitably) good looks, there’s far too much narcissism required to go into that field of work to be good for a relationship. <—-I think narcissism is a problem even among ordinary humans—can you imagine how dangerous and annoying that would be when a supervillian possesses that trait!!?! 😮
Congrats on being FP!
Thanks! It’s something of a surprise, I must say. And let me tell you, with a home-grown supervillain spending a lot of time running around in the back of my head, I’ve gotten a closer than normal look at what they’re like- and it’s not pretty. I kind of wonder how any of them can get dates in the first place…
You forgot to mention how you figure out you’re a minor character. Remember, we’re all the stars in our own stories.
Obviously, this involves a lot of Genre Savvy and more than a little breaking of the Fourth Wall. But since you’d have to have that to have read these tips in the first place, I hope we can take that as a given. 😉
Related question: what if, and I’m spit-balling here, what if you’re the type of hep cat spandex wearing mofo who follows nobody’s rules but their own and sometimes not even those?
BUT, and here’s the kicker, you’re too gregarious to be a loner.
So (finally) the question: does this mean you have to be Robin in the Clooney batman film? Because his costume is rubbish.
Not all superheroes are the main character in a comic. You might just be the occasional guest hero, who shows up from time to time to remind readers that the main character lives in a world bigger than what they see. Or you could be the comic relief hero, or the philosopher hero, kind of like Beast from X-men.
When I went to Comicon in San Diego this year, I was really surprised how the actual side of comic and comic books section seemed to be smaller. Why do you think this was?
I’m not sure I’m the best person to ask that question, I’ve never been to a ComicCon (San Diego or otherwise.) My guess would be, either other forms of merchandising were better represented or the folks in San Diego are pushing to reach more segments of geek culture. But then, what do I know? I’m more a casual fan of comics than a serious expert…
IF you ever get a chance, I think you should come to Comic con. Thanks for sharing your blog! http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
If you have a loose cannon hero, I would say being his/her lawyer and professionally responsible friend can be a good spot to settle down in.
In this case you keep your head out of dodge, but you make your hero’s actions legitimate. Falls in line with #3, #8 and #10 hahah
Good call. Comic book lawyers seem to be either scum bags or wealthy people of good sense – and they all drive great cars. As long as you can be more the second than the first, it sounds like a sweet gig.
Nice post.
Have you ever seen the movie ‘Sky High’? It’s got a good part about side-kicks.
Glad you enjoyed it. I haven’t watched Sky High, but it certainly does look interesting.
Ha-ha love it. I especially like number ten about investing in bad guy schemes. I’d add that there’s the bonus of knowing when to sell all stock and assets, as you know when the Hero is about to bust it all wide open.
Good thinking, but I’d recommend caution. You might be accused of insider trading!
Reblogged this on Women in Design and commented:
I think Women in Comic Books would be another great research project!
That’s an great idea, though I’m not sure I’m the best person to write it (being as I am male.) Still, worth giving some thought…
Great post! Also consider the costume, if you are going to wear one. Make sure to be catchy enough to get some pagetime, but don’t outdo the main protagonist. Being blacklisted by the star will be sure to get keep you out of future issues.
Or, you could cleverly plan to be the better dressed out of costume. Whether you’re hipper, have a better sense of fashion or can just afford better clothing, you can probably find some way to shine without, you know, outshining the hero. 😉
I loved this entire post! I’m a huge huge huuuuuuge fan of Batman who likes to incorporate Batman into my everyday life if I can 😛 My baking/travel blog even is all decked out with Batman-inspired original graphics 😀
Glad you enjoyed it.
To no.3 I ‘d add, be mindful of your attire and demeanor. Kinda sticky if you generate that sort of “boy wonder” suspicion. 😛
Sidekicking is a very delicate art, one which might actually merit it’s own, separate tip list…
Reblogged this on Vampyre Fangs and commented:
Hats off to Nate Chen for this one!
I would add that if you are a single parent, keep your child home on “meet a superhero” day at school or camp. The hero will surely feel for your spunky, adorable but attention-starved child. Then of course, will fall for your working-yourself-to-the-bone self. And then we’re right back at #1. Plus your kid will most likely get kidnapped by supervillians. Or discover that he/she has latent super powers, which is even more worry for an already over-worked parent. Just keep them home…
Another excellent suggestion. Even if your child never makes a direct connection with the superhero, public gatherings where a superhero is going to appear are just asking for trouble.
Great tips, thanks for sharing! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thanks, and glad you liked it.
As a minor character, should I avoid animals that are the results of science experiments, like radioactive spiders, man-alligator hybrids? I was thinking of adopting a genetically enhanced gorilla, but I might reconsider it, based on your list.
I think the kind of animal makes a difference. You should consider asking yourself, “Would this animal transfer part or all of its awesome natural abilities to me if our genetic material somehow got crossed?” And, more importantly, “Would I want those abilities?”
Good questions.
nice piece, thanks for writing it.
You’re welcome. 🙂
Reblogged this on Poke My Mon and commented:
Spot. On. This should be fleshed out into a full book.
Like a How To book or a work of fiction? Either might be fun, but that second one would be a real challenge…
A tongue-in-cheek How To book would be awesome haha.
Pingback: Sidekicks — Why they must DIE! « Outside Perception
Pingback: The right kind of people in the work place — Staffing for an Evil Overlord! « Outside Perception
Pingback: So You Want To Be A Sidekick… | Nate Chen Publications